Rollercoaster

Normally I like rollercoasters, however, not of the emotional and physical kind. I just feel like everything has been so up and down for so long that I'm just ready for some more ups rather than more downs. I think I have just been anxious about delivering and really hate waiting. I'm not a fan of surprises and have a really hard time when I feel like things are out of my control. I know babies come on their own time but it's still stressful at this point thinking it could literally be any day and I need to be prepared but it's hard to be prepared for something you can't predict or be prepared when you don't really know what exactly to prepare for.

I did get some good news on Friday. My doctor last week had said that she didn't feel there was a medical reason to perform cervical exams unless I was showing signs of potenial labor or preeclampsia, etc. but on Wednesday I started feeling nauseous out of nowhere and sometimes that can be a sign of early labor. So I had her check me on Friday. Turns out I was 2 cm dilated and 80% effaced or thinned out and she was surprised, but good surprised. She complimented me on the hard work I had done so far (thanks? didn't know I had been doing anything!) and that because I was progressing so nicely, my actual labor was probably going to be "easier" in the loosest sense of the word, since childbirth isn't ever easy, but it should go smoother and probably not last as long because I was progressing well. So that was exciting and she said that she wouldn't be surprised to see me within the next week, so we'll see.

Then Saturday. I was just irritable and not in the best mood and then of course Gonzaga lost. Just an overall bad day and I just felt and acted negative-I don't like that. It's not like anything had changed overnight, I was just in a bad mood. But that's what I mean about the ups and downs. I just feel like I have more downs. I also realized that I will most likely not be able to play tennis until the fall. I mean potentially if I have the baby like today, I might be able to play spring adult league, but even then that's pushing it as it starts April 15. I could play tennis over the summer-there are leagues available, but they don't count towards your record and personally I don't feel like paying money for a league where the competition isn't as good since everyone plays up and everyone is more playing to have fun. I like having fun when I play, but I find being more competitive as fun. So that was disappointing especially since I have been looking forward to it for a long time. It's just been hard to find things that I enjoy because I like being so active but pregnancy has really hindered that. I know I'll be busy with the baby but I also need something to keep me sane.

After the game, a very frustrating and emotional game to say the least (I had burnt the heck out of the bottom of a pot that morning and cleaning it out was Brett's way of dealing with the loss), I started having some pretty intense back pain that felt a lot like menstrual cramps. I had kind of a big wave of pain and then it diminished, but didn't really go away throughout the night as I kept waking up. I think the longest stretch of sleep I got was maybe an hour and a half? Around 1:30 I started looking into whether I was going into labor or not. I wasn't having any significant contractions that I could distinguish, but my back was hurting and I was getting twinges of pain in my abdomen but nothing consistent. It looked like I was having a mix of false labor and true labor symptoms so that was inconclusive and I continued to sleep restlessly throughout the night. Around 6 or so, after being up every hour, give or take, I typed in "not sure if I'm having contractions, just bad back pain" and came up with a forum of a few moms who had experienced the same thing. They had just had back labor with no real sign of contractions and that the lady with the same question as me should call her doctor. So I should call my doctor, right? But of course it's Sunday so I'm not sure if anyone will be able to help me! It's about 8:00 now and I still have a dull pain in my back and feel either Finn moving or some sort of contraction- Braxton Hicks or regular, I just don't know. With how unknowing that I was dilating, I could very well be in labor and just not know it. Maybe I'm just really good at being pregnant?

Ugh so I am just so unsure. I am never a typically case of anything ever. All this being said, we're going to try and track what's going on but even then, everything is so sporadic. It's Palm Sunday and I'd like to try and get to church, it would probably be good to get up and walk around but I'm just so tired! I am tired of being patient and want him here!